splatter it down;
can you blame the silence on the words?
or the tremors on your hands?
just because there's clouds doesn't mean there's any rain.
i think it should be the sunshine that takes the blame.

the golden glitter embezzling the darkness from our eyes.
with rays so hot even the drizzling of your tears is evaporated
and reprocessed
how is it that your still crying?
in this world of illumination how can you keep storming tears
with the scalding, yellow burning away the dark.
evaporating the sadness.

but this light and darkness seems to live vicariously through our polars.
melting and refreezing
but never just right.
flooding the earth one person at a time.
with 40 days of night and 20 years of drought
there is no subliminal light
or eternal dark.
in this world, twilights of equality are so rare.

is this light at the end of the tunnel truly illumination
sunlight captured by the proverbial curiosity of mankind
or perhaps its the ever out of reach grasp of enlightenment.
teasing us with its glimmers of luminosity in out daily lives.

from confidence to self doubt.
from here to there
try to prove that I belong.
try to win approval.
from people that I don't know.
and  I look so strong with the weight of all the world take its toll.

time dulls things.
its makes memories hazy.
you start to forget the way somebodies voice sounded.
and the quirky things they would say on a regular basis.

i fucking hate talking about people in past tense.
3 days to john's 3 year anniversary.
somehow this one feels worse than last years.

because this is the year we would graduate.
we'd really be starting our lives.
everything has changed in 72 hours.
im confused.
i don't know what sort of approach I should be taking.
I think I've fucked up.

but im not really sure.
I've been accepted to UGA.
I should be so ecstatic.
and I was for the first night.
but now ahhh.


sweetness, can you believe this? the mess weve made of this.

Im whirlwinding.
i can feel it.

I miss things I've never even had.
and i miss the things i took for granted so long.
like his laugh. and his 3 braced smile.
i miss his stupid arm fulls of screw bracelets.
and the ring that would always turn his finger green.
i miss the way he could make his voice high pitched and do the "oooooouuuh" sound with me.
and how hed be my baby dinosaur "raaaahhhwwwrr"
I miss the way he'd always call. just to be stupid. and make parodies of songs with me. like Mary, That Girl. and the Star Wars Wars between me and Mandy over him.
I miss how he'd always sit on the coke machine because it vibrated and felt like a massage. I miss the way he'd write me notes in hardcore font.
with stupid horribly drawn stick figures at the end.
I miss his heterochromia and the little freckles on his nose that I'd tell him were black heads hahaha..
I miss the way he'd brag about being on the swim team at his old school. I miss everything about him. down to his old janitor shoes that we decorated.

it seems so fucking surreal looking back.
like how can someone that was so in-twined with your life not even be here anymore?
someone that knew everything and walked every step of the way with you.
the person that went through every problem by your side.
and you did the same for them.
not here anymore.

its like a gaping hole.
just chilling out in your chest.
an empty void that even three fucking years cant fill.

and I feel like im still fucking up.
jumping when I just need to sit still.
jumping into situations and obstacles im not ready for.
that i shouldnt have started.

i need clarity.
and to see his grave.
i want to bring him flowers.
but jolene wont take me to visit.

no. not flowers.
sunflowers. bright yellow, huge sunflowers.
and id bring my toy dinosaur.
I HATE THIS.
I hate that leaving something on his grave is the closest I will EVER get to be to him again.
I hate that its been three fucking years since ive seen him.
I miss him so much and I cant call him to tell him.
all I have is that myspace page.
and everything is expiring on it.
im so afraid of forgetting.
i dont want to

it feels like the memories of him are just dying off.

if he was here everything would be so much different.
so much.





assume its just not worth getting back up..
ill shake responsibility and swear a hard life did this to me.


i slept until 1 today.
and i just want to keep sleeping.
sleep off everything.
every mistake.
every regret.
every fear.
every longing.


sleep it away.

It's 3:31. am.
I really do have sleeping problems sometimes.
I kind of feel like I'm losing myself.
Like I don't know what I am anymore.
I guess I have a little confusion with my self-identity.

I wonder why this happens sometimes.
I just lapse into an insomniac.
its almost like some sort of ritual.
every break I just stop sleeping and start writing more.

I went to Sav with Brent today.
It was pretty fun even though I didn't see much of it.
Is it bad that I feel like I'm just a middle man for him?
there's so much of his ex's stuff everywhere.
or is that just expected after 2.5 years of dating?
I don't know.
I'm worried.

I've always just been so terrified to actually invest feelings in someone again.
and I feel myself slipping with him.
the only word i've ever really been able to describe what it is with him is
warm.
I know that doesn't really sound romantic.
or even very sweet at all.
but its so comforting.
and safe.
and trusting.
its something you cant help but to believe in.

but for some reason when he tells me he loves me
it feels like hes saying it to someone else.

he makes me more authentically happy than anyone else ever has.
and its scary.

its hard to distance yourself from someone like that.
to keep a strong grip on not passing that line to where you can get hurt.
but im fairly certain i've already passed it.

I've got to stop worrying.
people worry all the time.
we're all dying because of stress and fast-food.
well, at least Americans are

I'm exhausted.
but i cant sleep.
im so thirsty.
but i dont have a cup
and the alarms set downstairs.

i want a reese cup.
and someone to cuddle with.
i want to write my research paper.
HAH just kidding.
i wish it was written though.

I want to watch movies like i use to.
just curl up in my recliner and watch movie after movie.
thats what id do.

i miss having someone to be impulsive with.
to just say hey lets go make cupcakes with dora the explora sprinkle things.
or lets color out of a coloring book or something.

I feel like im losing my edge.
my writing doesnt have the bite it use to.
I need intellectual stimulation.
like reading.
or, something.

when I have time to read i will.
it'll be nice.

i feel empty.
as in hungry not depressed.
im tired.
im going to wash my face and brush my teeth.

im still wondering what were going to do for thanksgiving at home.
my first one in thirteen years.
hmm.

 seventeen years old, almost through with the first semester of my senior year.
its peculiar.
ive been accepted into Mercer and Tulane.
Mercer and GCSU want me for tennis..

I watched benjamin button last night with brent.
i think its one of my new favorite movies.
im going to ask for for christmassss.
haha, i remember when i use to call christmas chrimbo..

anyways. it was a pretty hit-home movie.
there was one quote that really got me.
"I was just thinking about how nothing lasts.. and what a shame that is"
how true.
i feel like im just trying to grasp on to things and try to enjoy them.

i wish things lasted infinitely.

I miss dancing.
like ballet.
and I regret never getting to learn piano.

maybe ill have time in college to take some classes..
i wonder what i want to do in college.
GCSU tennis team seems fun.
ive met a lot of the players over there and they all seem to have a good time.
we'd be like a little family.
but my education wouldnt be that great.
and i wouldnt have much of life outside of tennis.

but if i go to mercer there isnt much to do or much diversity and ill probably end up playing tennis there, too.
but ive realized i still love tennis.
and i miss being so good at it.
i guess im over being burnt out.
maybe clark wont kill me with tournaments again.

i actually want to play in one.

I wonder if id be happy at UGA.
maybe I'll get in..
There I'll have so many options and opportunities to explore new things.
classes will be hard.
but, God, the experience would be insanely awesome.

hm, I wonder whats going to happen to me and brent.
there really doesnt feel like there's any time limit on this relationship.
whereas all my other relationships did.
with ryley even before i cheated he said wed break up before we went to college.
same with hunter.
but with brent we just keep talking like its going to last forever.
itd be nice.
but its kinda scary.
like, what if i really do just feel like were going to stay together forever.
and then bam
i go off to college and we just crumble apart.
pretty devastating.

distance does seem to make commitment harder.

this time last year was so incredibly different.
I was so much less stressful.
i was a pretty bad player.
and we were getting ready to go down to amelia for thanksgiving.

its so weird.
staying home for thanksgiving.
I havent been home for it in 13 years.
not since Papa shot himself.

Its because Granny's back.
Thanksgiving is such a horrible time for family.
My Mom's Dad was shot by my Granny's brother on Thanksgiving.
My Dad's Dad shot himself on thanksgiving..
bad things seem to just accumulate then.
i hope nothing happens this year.

I remember when Clinton died.
I was sitting in the car with mom at one of Will's tennis matches.
I was still in elementary school.
She started off saying she needed to tell me something.
and I said "Clinton's dead isnt he?"
I just knew.

not to be weird. but sometimes i really do think I have a sixth sense.
like an extra sense of awareness or something.
an understanding of people. normally.
something like that.
i dont know.

i got to the orthodontist and plastic tuesday.
scary.
both are.


hmm, im tired. and cold.
and i want something new.
and exciting.
i want to adventureeeee.

or maybe nap.
i dunno.
i got to work on a research paper sometime.

"you're heart is a river that flows through your chest from every organ."


 

so im just sitting here thinking back to the days when i had so much free time.
i remember one time in particular right when the kuntry sizzler just opened and the first saw had came out on dvd.
we ordered country fried steak and french fries.

me and clark watched it together in the playroom.
it was really cold that night.

I remember one time mom was really sick.
and i watched Sin City and Donnie Darko for the first time.
i had to wear a mask around her because she was so contagious.
and i took a retarded myspace picture in a blue sharing elegance shirt.

why do i remember tiny details like this?
its crazy.

i remember the night tom cheated on me i was watching the third saw movie.
it was like one in the morning and he had gone to a party.
and i was worried about him.
i knew something was wrong because the moment he got home he just kept telling me he loved me over and over again and he kept asking me if i would love him no matter what.

gah, I remember the night he went to a party and i knew what was happening.
cause herb called me.
he told me tom was smoking.
and alex was there
and they were in a room together.
i didnt sleep the entire night.
it was freezing cold and our heat had broken.
it was just me and clark because we had come back from Amelia for the football game state playoff .
I drove the stick shift all the way home myself.
that was  the first time i had ever driven it.

i didnt sleep the entire night.
not even for a few minutes.
and the next day we went back to amelia and then to jacksonville cause jolene wanted to shop.
and i passed out.
i still didnt break up with him after that.
i was such an idiot.


Im surprised at how i can remember all this stuff so vividly even though its been like.. 3 years.

i feel sickish. i took the swine flu mist today.


i wish i could go back to the days when all i had was teenage angst and boyfriend drama.
now i have actual stresses.
like college classes. and where im going to go to college. and research papers. and finals. and crap like that.
i wish i had time just to sit at home and watch movies and read books.

i have this super strong desire to reread twilight.
i have no idea why. but i do.
i hate how comerical it is now.
it use to be so awesome.
when i went back and read some of my entries i saw where i had read it for the first time in 8th grade.
goood times.

this sounds horribly nerdy, but i miss reading.
like really.
the last book i really read was the fountainhead.

im kind of disappointed in my senior year.
I didnt expect to make homecoming court, even though jolene did.
and i didnt really expect to get a senior favorite unless it was most interesting.
 i actually had a chance at that, though. sorta.
except people made two list.
and on one i was most changed.
and the other i was best to bring home to mom.
so i ended up not getting either.
not that that really matters.
but im disappointed with my friendships.
i feel like if i had never gone out to eat with reed last year jade wouldve never had the opportunity to hate me.
and then anna wouldnt have the back to start shit with me.
its not as bad as it was.
things are starting to get better.

i hang out with way older people now.
and a different high school crowd altogether really.
i guess im just sick of the bullshit.
i do miss having anna though.
she was my biggest confidant for a while.
i told her absolutely everything.

brent is the closest thing i have to that now. but i dont feel like its really fair to him for me to just dump all my crap on him.
also, im pretty worried he wouldnt like me very much if i did hahaha.
i dont know why im so worried about stuff like that.
im scared to trust him sorta.
to completely fall for him.
cause i think if i do, he'll be able to hurt me worse than anyone else has.
i guess thats not really something i should worry about now either.
live for the moment, sha la la la.
hahaha.

hm, i wonder what this winter break will hold in store for me.
today was my last football game.
and i didnt even go.
my dads last broadcasting.
and i didnt even listen.
i grew up listening to him on the radio with mom on friday night inbetween watching scifi shows haha.
and now its over.
another chapter closed.

why do i notice this type of stuff?
i dont know.
i love my dad though.
i love my mom too.
I guess all the people that say you appreciate your parents more as you get older are right.

i dont know where i am right now.
where i stand.
with anything.
but i think im going to stop trying to figure it out.
im just going to let things happen and try to live it up while i can.
stop second guessing.

im ready to see brent.
i miss himmmm.
argg.
well.. i think im going to read.

" I called her a venomous organism" - Clark
"You have such interesting vernacular, Dad." - Me


aghh, im hormonal.
like indefinitely.
my foot hurts.
i have a blister because i tried to run after tennis
and im flat footed.

i hate being flat footed.

i have no control over my life anymore.
my dad sat in my room talking to the tennis coach from mercer.
im being recruited by them too.

i dont even know if i dont want to play tennis anymore.
maybe thats all i have.
sure my shoulders served out for the past few months
i have an ominous knot on the top of my foot
and my wrist is hurting.
but i could still play college ball.

i need to be studying calc.
but i cant complain to brent about all this crap.
so im going to complain on here.

i miss being really good at tennis.
i mean im still good.
but i dont feel it anymore.
i havent felt it since arkansas.
i dont know if its because i just felt all this pressure and choked.
or if its because i burnt out
or if i just hit a wall.

i dont even know why i care.
im supposedly so sick of tennis.
but its been like my forced main focus of my life for like.. 11 years.

of course i care about it.
of course i feel bad when i dont play well.
blaaah.

i dont know what i  want to do with anything.
i dont know where i want to go to school.
i dont know what i want to be when i grow up.

i failed an economics test because we had a cap and gown meeting during advisement and i didnt get to study.
so now tomorrow i get to retake it.

i need to study that too.

i wish i was just inately intelligent and didnt have to study.
like i just already know everything
i wonder if will was like that..
nah he studies all the time.

i miss brent.
im ready for him to come home.
i hope he doesnt hurt me like every single other guy ive ever really liked has.

it seems like the ones i really trust are the ones that screw me over the most.
its pretty annoying.

mmm, im tired.
and seemingly morose.

i like partying, but not all that much.
i have an essay to write tomorrow.
i made a 70 on my last essay.
i hate having to write 500 word essays in 55 minutes without being able to even make a coma splice.
its ridiculous.
ive never heard of any place where you had to do that.
never ever.
i need to start on my research paper so i can pull an a out of that class.

i also still need to study calc.

im so stressed.
i kinda dont care that all my old friends hate me.
its pretty much like a trend now. lol.
oh well.

fuck it.
im off to do all the crap i need to.

so on my way to the mountains i was just struck by little things.

so i put them in my notes on my phone.
and now im putting them on here to keep them i guess.

I feel like a leaf.
abandoning its long provisional rooted tree.
anxiously awaiting my free fall of abandonment.
i'll plumit to the ground effortless.
and crumble listlessly.


and the only things we had to keep us warm were the ashing cigarettes at our fingertips.
with which we burnt the air with each exhale.


there's not comfort in the crunch of each step
thinking each shuffle was your long misplaced judgment
or your uncalibrated eloquence.
long fallen and forgotten where it landed.



this is lame.
but i wanted to put them up anyway.

 The next four years of you life will vanish in what will seem like seconds. In the course of these sped fast years you will experience changes that no sort of blank, white box will ever be able to accurately depict or contain. You'll feel your whole world tumble down on top of you, and then hopefully, feel the security of just how much stronger you can build it back up. You'll lose the things that mean the most to you. And, even later, when you try to pretend they didn't mean that much. They still will. Your friends will come and go. and you may lose the one that understands you the most completely, altogether, in the most definite way. You'll watch relationship implode and see the things that use to seem most important to you grow trivial. You'll travel to a few places. And while you travel, I hope you watch outside your window and appreciate the scenery. Because, it may be more or less than four years, but sooner or later you wont be able to look out your window anymore. You'll learn how to use proper punctuation and speak proper English, but you'll stick comma splice and end sentences where you want. Just because without a teacher proofing you, it doesnt matter to anyone really but you. You'll find yourself in lyrics and music and wish you could understand yourself half as well as the artist did. You'll contemplate everything, and be even more confused by it. You'll be lost, and you'll be found, but probably not for very long. You'll look at the stars with indifference, and in forty more years you'll probably regret it. You'll laugh the hardest with people you think you'll be close with forever. But, you'll grow older and no longer have common enough interest to really even carry on a conversation let alone make each other laugh. You'll swear you've fallen in love and that you cant get up anymore when it knocks you down. But, you will. Even if it takes you a year or two.  In four years your whole life can change. Well, at least I know mine has. Maybe an eloquent bio of myself isn't what you need to know about me. All you need to know is what I know for certain, and that isnt who I am. It's what I've seen, experienced, and pretty much lost. Appreciate every day like you wont have one tomorrow, because you'd be surprised at the people you'll have to see that wont. Then again you and everyone else may be in perfectly good health, but you still wont be able to turn back and enjoy this time in your life later. Don't let four years pass you by. 

I'm tired.
tired of caring and trying.

I'm tired of waking up in the morning
and going through the same crap every day.
I'm sick of the bitches.

I can't believe the shit some people pull.
people I thought were my friends.
or cared about me.

kerri was right when she said the only people you could trust are your family.
friends are circumstantial.
your family is stuck.

Blink was amazing.
asher roth was hilarious.
gay strippers on stage were awkward.
floating travis barker beating the drums was hot.

I've been accepted into Mercer
and I've been offered a spot on GCSU tennis team.
I've been thinking I want to apply to state though.
I wouldnt mind living in atlanta..
I kinda want to.

I would be so indie.
Id meet s many awesome people.
I'd go to concerts all the time.
and never be bored.

I kinda just want to go wild.
forget everything and just do.
but I cant.

I wish it was a different time.
and I was in a different place.

im freewriting.
I always freewrite.
this is suppose to be a brainstorming technique.
this must mean I'm a halfass writer.
well, obviously.


I think I have a B in 1101
but im kicking ass in calculus
which is totally surprising.

I want new friends.
Im ready for college.

I wonder whats going to happen to things.
when I go off.

I wonder what I'll become.
hm,

im hungryy.
but too lazy to get out of my chair.
this blog is pointless.

i miss my brother.
im ready to go to the Hoedown in Athens.

aertg.
I wish I could just fuck off the world
and responsibilities
and do whatever I wanted to.
without any repercussions
or worries.
or disappointments.
I wish I could just do and feel and forget the rest.

I need to stop cursing.
that was a bad habit I picked up from hunter.
ick.

im gone.

i had a dream.
and it had a theme song.
it was a kid cudi cong.

itsnt that weird?

I feel like i dont belong anymore.
like in a social group.
or anywhere.

i guess its because its time for me to leave.
get the hell out of dodge.
that's what id like to do.

ive hurt my shoulder.
when i lay down it hurtsssss.
it wakes me up at night.

im taking the hardest courses ever.
all during my senior year.
isnt this suppose to be the fun year?
where i enjoy my last opportunities to be with these people?

psh, im just ready to leave.
find new people.
my best friend turned out to be a backstabbing bitch.
manipulating her way to the top and pushing me out.
using everything i introduced her to to get where she wants.
pretty pathetic.
but thats alright.
one more year.

im in a constant state of anxiety.
i need find a way to relax,
im ready for next weekend.
and when i sneak down to savannah.

that'll be pretty awesome.
im working on my college resume.
its the main thing im looking forward to.
after this ill have to read a chapter in my reader for english
study calc
and do a powerpoint over psoriasis.
did i mention today is saturday?
where is the weekend..

last night was my first experience being stranded at a stoner party.
weed is so pointless.
i dont know why people smoke it.
i was just sitting there.
and everyone else was just sitting there.
the only difference was they couldnt open their eyes.

lame asses.

oh well,
thats all on my mind really right now.
im super stoked for blink concert in 17 daysssss.
zomg.

peace.